Category
Humor
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05.01.09How to Be a SaboteurHow to be a Saboteur © 2009 Brooke Allen brooke@brookeallen.net www.BrookeAllen.net Originally published in International Family Magazine When I was young, shooting a TV wasn't as unusual as you might think. I grew up at a time when it was not uncommon for a young boy or girl to receive a .22 rifle as a graduation present from the sixth grade. Youngsters would take their rifles to the garbage dump and televisions were a favorite target. They produce such a satisfying sound when the picture tube implodes. This is because they contain a vacuum and if the picture tube is broken, it implodes. The glass in ...
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02.01.08Permalink: My Good NameMy Good Name © 2008 Brooke Allen brooke@brookeallen.net www.BrookeAllen.net Originally published in International Family Magazine Republished in Folks Magazine on 8/22/09. Brrrrring. Brrrring. “Hello” “Is Brooke Allen there?" "Speaking." "I'm sorry, I have the wrong number." Click. When I first moved to New York City a well-meaning friend gave me a book about surviving in the city. It served no purpose but to destroy all pleasure in life: When pushed in front of the subway, lie down in the ditch between the rails. Carry your wallet in your front pocket since your back pocket will be sliced open with a razor. And by all means, install three locks so the ...
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03.01.07Environmentalist, Get Thee to an EditorEnvironmentalist, Get Thee to an Editor © 2007 Brooke Allen brooke@brookeallen.net www.BrookeAllen.net Originally published in International Family Magazine Polychlorinated Biphenyls (PCBs)[1] are neurotoxins and potent carcinogens that were once used extensively in cooling oils for electrical transformers back when we were fearless (and stupid). Transformers can overheat and catch fire. Breathing the smoke from a burning transformer containing PCBs can put firemen at more risk than they signed up for. At the train station in Hoboken, New Jersey, I spied a large transformer with a sticker on it that said: "NO PCBs" What did this sticker mean? Did a protestor place the sticker there thinking he was working ...
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01.01.07SublimationSublimation © 2007 Brooke Allen brooke@brookeallen.net www.BrookeAllen.net Originally published in International Family Magazine "Granddad, something's different." "What's that?" "I haven't seen you smoking a cigar since we got here." "I quit a year ago." "Why? I thought you loved those things." "Nope. I hated them." This was puzzling. "If you hated them, then why did you smoke." "It started in the 1920's. I was the head of the United Press office in Havana. The other men in the office told me that, since I was the highest paid man there, it was entirely appropriate, expected even, that I have a mistress." "When I told your grandmother that everyone thought I should ...
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12.01.06Holiday RemembrancesHoliday Remembrances © 2006 Brooke Allen brooke@brookeallen.net www.BrookeAllen.net Originally published in International Family Magazine I find holidays are an important time to pause and remember things. These days I’m getting older so I do the pause quite well, but the remember part… well… I’ve decided to keep notes. Thanksgiving is a time to remember how much less I weighed November a year ago. Now that our son goes to McGill in Montreal, it is also a time to remember that they celebrate their Thanksgiving in October and they celebrate mid-term exams at the end of November. Christmas is a time to remember who sent ...
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11.01.06Tricky EconomicsTricky Economics © 2006 Brooke Allen brooke@brookeallen.net www.BrookeAllen.net Originally published in International Family Magazine We once attended a "Tricky Tray" fundraiser. It offered some excellent economics lessons. If you haven’t experienced one of these is, I'll explain. "Tricky" means what you expect and "Tray" comes from both the French word "très", which means "very", and the Spanish "tres" which means "three". A Tricky Tray is a very tricky device for separating you from your money three ways. 1) You pay $40 for a meal worth about $7.49. 2) You donate a prize that is supposed to cost about $20 but since it will bear you name, and ...
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08.01.06How to Respond to a CitizenHow to Respond to a Citizen © 2006 Brooke Allen brooke@brookeallen.net www.BrookeAllen.net Originally published in International Family Magazine After sending the mayor the letter, I felt so much better. The consumer affairs hotline still didn't pick up their phone but that no longer mattered. I had so much fun thinking up the letter and I was proud of myself. A few months after I wrote the letter, Ed Koch lost his re-election bid. I hadn't voted for him. I hadn't voted for his opponent either. I went into the voting booth, pulled the curtain, and did nothing. I took the time to vote my ...
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08.01.06How To Complain To The GovernmentHow To Complain To The Government © 2006 Brooke Allen brooke@brookeallen.net www.BrookeAllen.net Originally published in International Family Magazine I once had a run-in with a shopkeeper in New York City so I wrote down his license number and began calling the consumer affairs hotline. The line was busy. I put the number on speed-dial. The number was busy for months. Since their office was only a few blocks away from mine, I decided to pop by. Four employees sat in a room with all the phones off the hook. I decided to complain about them to their boss. Using a penname, I wrote the following letter: --- August 14, 1989 ...
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07.01.06How I Learned to Wiggle My EarsHow I Learned to Wiggle My Ears © 2006 Brooke Allen brooke@brookeallen.net www.BrookeAllen.net Originally published in International Family Magazine You might be amazed to know that you have muscles that you have not yet wired up to your brain. When we mowed the lawn by hand, it was a simple matter to steer around the many large rocks in our fields. Once we automated the process, we needed to remove them. We piled the stones behind the barn while we thought of a use for them. "Ah hah," my dad lit up one day, "We can paint them white and use them to line the driveway." He ...
